New but not sure how nice!

Life's changed. New routine started Nov 2nd. Took up a full time job at IonIdea and it affected all facets of my life. I knew it would be difficult and I had to be strong from before but felt the actual punch only after getting my feet wet in the water.
I couldn't get enough sleep on 1st Nov, lot of apprehensions, anxiety, some strange sort of mixed bag of feelings. I was starting on a journey I wasn't very sure of. And to add confusion to things, it was entirely my decision to go for the full time job and hence completely responsible for all the consequences.
I set up everything to make sure Akshara would be taken care of, but I wasn't sure how she would cope up with the separation anxiety. It was only later though I realized, it was me who was more affected by it. To trust someone else with your baby is the toughest thing in the world. There are these zillion thoughts coming up in your mind, did she eat well, has she slept, did she play enough, she must be feeling lonely, and the worst.. she is quite happy without me around! Any which way, your mind is in a messed up state all day and add work pressure and time management to it. Welcome to working mothers world.
If my baby wishes me good bye cheerfully while I leave, it leaves me with self doubts. If my baby cries while I leave for work, it leaves me with loads of guilt. In any case, I am not happy while I leave for work.
Once I reach office, the thoughts are completely taken over by the work. And like some magic, there's an alarm that goes at 12 in my mind. Baby might've returned from school, did the maid pick her up at time, did my baby eat well? One call for reassurance and then am back at work.
It by 5 in the evening that I start getting restless. Any work that comes up after that is not welcome. I just cannot concentrate and keep looking at the watch to see when would it be the right time to pack up. Akshara is all I can think of from then. I ignore the wtf glares from colleagues and pack my bags and leave early everyday. They never fail to give me those looks , never. I race through the traffic and reach home. Best part of my day begins then. The part I look forward to all day. I get to spend a good 4 hours with my baby and I love it all.

It takes a lot of inner strength to go through each day and each day is different from the one before. The courage and strength I display gets shattered by things like some neighbour telling me my daughter misses me during the afternoons and cries or I hear my daughter cry over the phone or I feel the maid is not feeding my daughter the way I want her to or if she is letting my daughter watch more tv. Some days are just perfect, and some days are full of self doubts.

I am not sure if after reading all this, you are wondering why I am doing all this if I am not happy about doing it. Fact is I am happy that I am working now, it brings me back my identity, makes me feel a little worthwhile using my brains, energizes me, and I love working and make some money. So no regrets there. There is another good thing to all this, I now value the time I get to spend with my daughter, its precious and pure . Nothing else comes before that. I never really valued the time when I was not working, cause I was not happy within. I was in quest for something else.

I love you Akshara, you are a wonderful daughter. Thank you so much! I cannot ask for anything more. You made the whole thing look so much more easier and smoother by not crying, and accepting the change. I love you, truly madly deeply..

Turning thirty...

The frequency of "Oh my god.. I am such a stupid" and "Gosh I look so yuck in all the snaps" has increased these days. Birthdays are no longer fun , in fact dreadful. Is it the nearing thirty effect? They say its the best of life till 30 and after that its just the donkey life. Keep working hard and more harder.
How nearing thirty has affected me big time:
1) I have started using anti ageing creams
2) I spot more and more grey hairs
3) Full day of work leaves me exhausted
4) Skipping the regular exercise makes me feel stiffer and guilty.
5) I can no longer sleep till noon.(How much I miss my sleeping marathon days.. the weekends just vanished between eating maggi and sleeping)
6) I keep looking at my tummy bulge and silently wish that it disappeared on its own.
7) I am so used to being called Aunty
8) I cannot study continuously for more than 2 hours. Concentration levels have dipped to lowest levels possible.
9) I shop only dark shade clothes and tops that camouflage the shapeless me.
10)Mood swings.. smallest of things can put me off and someone said babies help improving your patience levels. Darn!

I would love to believe in the concept that age is just a number and you are as young as you feel at heart! But, kinda tough with the symptoms mentioned above. You are forced to believe that you ARE getting older. I miss being the carefree spirit I was, with nothing to bother about, on the spur plans, anytime shopping, movies, eating out and carried even the out of bed look with panache. It's gone.. all gone now. The donkey life has begun!

A small wish : I want to travel back in time and become my daddy's little princess again and get pampered silly. Can I take Akshara along?

The hopeless me Series : Part 2

I bothered my mom and dad way too much while growing up. Never ending demands, complaints from neighbourhood children, too much fuss over everything, never studied well and still demanded to be loved always!
Now when I look back, I gave my dad the toughest time in bringing me up, yet he never gave up. he kept trying no matter how much I irritated him. He succeeded in teaching me swimming in 2 years, cycling in 2 months, and waking me up early in the morning in 20 years.
I think I was in my ninth class when my dad felt I was way too healthy(you can read FAT) for my age and I badly needed some exercise. He enrolled my sister and me in shuttle coaching classes that summer. 2 days, just 2 days and I quit the classes. My reasons:1) Coach made me run way too much in the name of warm up exercise. 2) Nobody hit the shuttle to where I stood in the court, I always had to run for the shuttle which I wouldn't.
Reasons were absurd but I wouldn't budge. My dad never again tried any other sport activity with me.

Hopeless me Series: Part 1

Welcome to the new series of my life "The hopeless me". Just to enlighten you about how hopeless I have been through out my life but still made it through all these years.
Couple of days back I was reminded of this one incident that happened years ago and was embarrassed no end. here goes the story for you...

I was never particularly a very bright student in my life, never ever got a first rank and if I did, my dad would've got a shock attack. So, as you see the expectations were also so low from me that it never struck me to try harder to raise the bar.

In my tenth standard, there were these loads of examinations being conducted, hopes, pre hopes, term exams etc. Geography was my biggest threat. The exam usually was for 40 marks and I never got more than 18 out of 40. Sometimes lesser but never more. 18 was more or less a consistent score. I hated the subject, I didnt know why the earth was divided in to so many continents and each continent in to so many countries and why each country should have a capital. I don't care how many kinds of forests are there(I remeber 2 now tropical and rain, wow!) and I can never point out the exact location of Ganges in a blank outline of India map. I used to be so stressed out before every geography exam that my dad finally decided to help me out. Make me sit and study and explain everything. He helped me a lot, woke me up early in the morning to explain geography and made me by heart stuff. All this before a pre hope exam as far as I remember. This time I entered the exam hall more confidently thinking I was a master in geography now and gave the paper. The results were out soon. Trust me I didn't want to go home that day. I so wanted to die out of shame. I showed my answer sheet with scores to my dad, and as expected he was shocked, shocked that I scored 19 out of 40 after all the effort he put in. 1 extra mark for all the effort!!!??? He never again asked me for my geography score again :) He completely gave up on me!
Best part was I somehow managed to beat that score in the final board exam. I managed to score 82 out of 100 in social science, but I will never know how much exactly did I score in geography!

Regrets?.. NO!

I read an article in the newspaper on Sunday about people having regrets over the decisions they have taken in the past. With lots of ifs and buts kind of thoughts ruining your present, thinking life would've been better if only they took some other decision.

Most of us take life's most important decisions before we are mature enough to understand their impact its going to have on our lives. And my guess is, for most of us, those decisions are taken by our parents. So it's obvious that later in life, you go over your past and think what if you opted to go for the other choice than the one you are living with! and such thoughts come only when you are not happy now.

Luckily for me, most of my life changing decisions have all been taken by me. So, I really don't have anyone to blame for the life I am leading . And am Happy, I got a chance to take those decisions, but the only regret I have is, I didn't put the right amount of thought those decisions deserved. At 14, I decided to go for Math stream , at 16 I decided to become an engineer and at 20 I decided to start working and not study further. At 21 to marry and settle down in India and at 22, whom to marry!

Sometimes, thoughts wander to past with lots of if's and but's but at the end of day, there are absolutely no regrets. Things have happened as per destiny and for good.

My sweety turned 2

Happy birthday Akshara. It's been 2 years since I saw you first time, tiny ,pink, crying loud and clear in the nurse's hands and 2 yrs 9 months to our first association. Time really flies.

Where has the time gone, when you fitted perfectly in my arms, small and cuddly, when you actually cried for milk and relished it everytime I fed you, you only knew to smile you sunshine smile and never cranky. My small cotton candy ball has now transformed in to a small girl , a little worldly wise who knows how to get things done her way, who knows when to say NO(vehemently that is), who knows which dress she likes best, who can now look in to mirror and admire herself and worst of all hates milk and cries every morning to gulp down that small glass of milk!(same girl who used to cry through the night for milk, milk and milk just an year back)

She now goes to school, can stand in front of the scooty, come back home on her own in the school van, play fearlessly with the cat, swing on her own, has a group of friends, feels bad when she is mocked, can sing the songs "happy birthday to you","old mc donald", and "wheels on the bus". She loves books, is iPod crazy (She can unlock it, take pictures, play her videos(finding nemo, Rio, Lion King 2) and also play some kid apps in it).

Love you sweety for the amazing years and more to come, which am sure are going to be equally crazy, happy, busy and fun filled if not more!

The 3 magic words

The words "I Love you" have magical effect on you everytime someone says it to you. And all the more when you know how much the other person means it. I realized there is no true translation for it to that effect in any other languages that I know. Say for hindi, when you say "main tumse pyaar karti hoon", or "mujhe tumse pyaar hai" will have zero effect on the other person and it sounds so off and dramatic. Nothing compared to what "I love you" does for you.

How do you just express your love in telugu? What do you say that conveys the exact feeling? I tried to form different phrased but all sounded horribly melodramatic and nothing that perfectly matches "I love you".

1)Ninnu premisthunnanu

2)nee pai prema vachindi(yuckk I knw)

3) Ninne premista (Violent)

4)nuvvu naa preyasi/priya

Now I wonder what my grandpa told my grandpa when he had to just tell her he loves her. I can bet my life, he wouldnt have said ILU to her, something in telugu it has to be. he would kill me if I asked him that. or for that matter ,is there any Indian language which has an expression that matches ILU, short and sweet, something that conveys your emotion and state of mind to the other person with the perfect effect.

Signing off in quest...

Whats on my mind?

A tidbit advice: Go for an evening walk with your dad, you will be glad! Most of us are more closer to moms than dads in terms of sharing things, but dads truly are great companions and you sure can pour your heart out to them and expect a most sensible solution to most of your problems.

2) Never ever store sweets in transperant containers, never stock cookies and chocolates at home, never for a moment go weak on your resolution and think, its just this one time, its okay, am not going to be fat by eating just this!I will work it out.. NO!!Please NO! 15 minutes of on the spot jog and 10 minutes of hoola hoops burns a mere 76 calories, the exact number of calories in a single slice of brown bread. Lets not even talk about fried chicken

3) Out of my joblessness, I googled on how to make wishes come true, and there indeed were loads of sites asking you to visit them for 8 days to have ur wish come true! And Yes, I registered at one of those :)

4) Newborns sleep for 20 hours a day, but why are they so demanding and exhausting?

5) I wish tomorrows 30 minutes are life changing for good!

Happy :)

I feel lighter , happier and full of positive energy. I was finally be able to give up my grudges against someone which I was holding on to for a long long time. It seemed completely justified to have those grudges, as I was hurt, and was just not able to reconcile. But now, I decided to completely follow my dad's advice and go ahead and make an 100% effort to look at things through a different perspective and give it a try to make things better. And am glad I did it. Am more at peace and feel better.

Than you Dad.

State of Mind

Last week, I sulked for 2 days over a problem, I wouldn't talk to anyone, nothing pleased me, I didn't feel like doing even my usual chores. I made the problem so big that I couldn't enjoy my baby's laughter, her small antics, my fave Tv show. I even tried cooking therapy and indulged in cooking and eating my fave dishes, but that too didn't help much. I kept cribbing for everything, nothing seemed good. Life suddenly looked horrible and I started wondering if there was a way out. I started feeling claustrophobic with absolutely no way out.

Then I happened to chat with one of my old friends who said, " neekenti amma life full enjoy"(i wouldn't translate this one, else it would lose its effect). It hit me big time. God did bless me with everything but here I was, still cribbing and sulking about one small thing I wasn't able to get? Why was I not happy and thankful to God? Why was I angry on him? It was completely my inability to be happy inspite of having everything. It was just that I was not getting something that I wanted badly at that point of time, which was ok. I only had to try harder.

I feel powerful today, as if in complete control of my whole life. I have realised that my happiness lies in my state of mind. That's my strength. If I try to keep my inner self at peace and stay happy, no matter how big the problem is, it wouldn't effect me drastically. I mean no problem could be bigger than you, big enough to affect you!

I promise, to count my blessings, find happiness in every walk of life, and spread the cheer! Amen!!

Me and Meri Maggi

Maggi has always been a comfort food for most of us, easy to make and yummy to taste. Delicacy right from school days. Till date I have come across only 3 people who said they dont like Maggi, My grandpa, my dad and my husband! The latter name came as a bit of surprise though but still my grocery shopping has never been complete without maggi!

Last sunday, my house maid came in a lil late, to be specific after our breakfast was done and before our lunch was prepared. She generally never asks for tea/snacks but that day she said, amma, give me something to eat, my stomach is burning(kadupu kaluthundi). I frantically looked around to see what I could give her to eat, rice not yet cooked, no snack stock at home( thanks to my dieting!!), idly batter got finished,no fruits too! My maggi to rescue.. my saviour any day! I cooked maggi for her and she ate to her hearts content. Thank you maggi, for keeping my lazy bones in tact and also giving me the pleasure of "art of giving"!

failure my friend..

It's frightening when you encounter failure from close quarters. It shatters your self confidence, makes you feel absolutely good for nothing. You even start wondering if what you achieved till date was just by chance and not by virtue!

Going through a bad phase of failure after failure, despite the will, hardwork and some brains! Lady luck as they say hasn't been smiling on me much.. but I know this too will pass on.. Good things are just round the corner.. all I need to do is hangon!! Its only making me stronger and better.

Poppatness continues..

Last week I attended a job interview. The wierd company made me give a written test in the first round. I so wanted to say "Duh!" and leave , but yeah, I had to behave myself. I thought the test was a disaster( well, for a change I have to agree that am well past that age of sitting and writing exams!). The HR lady asked me to wait till she corrected my answer sheet. I was hardly tensed, as I knew how I gave that. When the HR came back and told me that I cleared the written test round, I blurted out "Really?" followed by a stupid grin !! Mistake number 1! I wish I had learnt better techniques of masking emotions!

Then the tech interview round 1, I was asked to write a program and while thinking, I was playing with the pen so hard that the cap flew and hit the glass wall. Mistake number 2! Why would anyone have a person as clumsy as that as their lead? but surprise!! I cleared that round too!

Cut to tech round 2.. I was careful this time not to make any mistakes, may be I just tried too hard, they never got back to me after that!

lesson learnt: be yourself how much ever clumsy you are.. the moment you try to be someone else, you will be shown the door :)

Scared for a reason!

yeah, I kept my promise to Akki, She has already recieved 2 mails from her mom.. and more to come.

Last week I learnt a valuable lesson. We usually give home made raagi porridge as breakfast for Akki. the flour got over and we went to the market and got a flour which claimed to be consisting of similar ingredients that we used and made hygienically. It was called "Health Mix". We foolishly fell for it and got a small pack to try. All the while the only thing on my mind was, if Akki would like the taste. She liked it and so did I! We fed her the same next day too. What we overlooked was she didn't poop the previous day. Story repeated the next day too. And by third day we started getting worried as she was growing cranky and not eating well. We somehow got her to poop, which was again a hard sight! The hardest stool she had ever passed, crying out of pain,all sweat.. I can never ever forget what pain she had been through! The guilt that I went through when it stuck to me that the breakfast powder had been the culprit, cannot be put in words. She suffered coz of one foolish decision of ours. She developed high fever, stomach indigestion, cough and suffered through the following week which only added more to my guilt. She was suffering and I was watching her suffer helplessly.. torture!

The lil ones are here in this world because of us, so small, so innocent, so pure! They learn everything from us, to talk, to walk, to smile, to cry, to play, to enjoy... they are a reflection of our upbringing. Our small mistake can effect them so much! Its our responsibility to protect them.. give them a good life by giving a good upbringing.

Today I am what my parents moulded me to be, and am really proud of the way they brought me up. I can say that they life I lead, is a gift they gave me. I do not want to believe in destiny. I attribute everything to them, my success, failure, happiness, everything.

I want my daughter to have the best life, I want her to be independent, self confident, generous, kind, helpful and an affectionate human being. She might have inherited some qualities by birth, but the above are the ones that we can inculcate in her. I know its a maor task at hand and I don't even know if I will be fulfill that dream. I need to be a good mother first, which means there is no scope for mistake, not even 1 percent. Scary!

P.S:I might keep going back to remember how my parents brought me up! Copy paste can be applied here also ;)

I wish...

Sometimes I wish I knew a lot more about me, I know about my childhood is only as much as my mom remembers. It really feels good to know how my mom felt when she first saw me, when she first took me in her arms.. what i did when.. my milestones..
I promise to give this gift to my daughter!
Akki, I promise to give you the pleasure of reading your childhood.. a gift that you n I would cherish forever.