New but not sure how nice!

Life's changed. New routine started Nov 2nd. Took up a full time job at IonIdea and it affected all facets of my life. I knew it would be difficult and I had to be strong from before but felt the actual punch only after getting my feet wet in the water.
I couldn't get enough sleep on 1st Nov, lot of apprehensions, anxiety, some strange sort of mixed bag of feelings. I was starting on a journey I wasn't very sure of. And to add confusion to things, it was entirely my decision to go for the full time job and hence completely responsible for all the consequences.
I set up everything to make sure Akshara would be taken care of, but I wasn't sure how she would cope up with the separation anxiety. It was only later though I realized, it was me who was more affected by it. To trust someone else with your baby is the toughest thing in the world. There are these zillion thoughts coming up in your mind, did she eat well, has she slept, did she play enough, she must be feeling lonely, and the worst.. she is quite happy without me around! Any which way, your mind is in a messed up state all day and add work pressure and time management to it. Welcome to working mothers world.
If my baby wishes me good bye cheerfully while I leave, it leaves me with self doubts. If my baby cries while I leave for work, it leaves me with loads of guilt. In any case, I am not happy while I leave for work.
Once I reach office, the thoughts are completely taken over by the work. And like some magic, there's an alarm that goes at 12 in my mind. Baby might've returned from school, did the maid pick her up at time, did my baby eat well? One call for reassurance and then am back at work.
It by 5 in the evening that I start getting restless. Any work that comes up after that is not welcome. I just cannot concentrate and keep looking at the watch to see when would it be the right time to pack up. Akshara is all I can think of from then. I ignore the wtf glares from colleagues and pack my bags and leave early everyday. They never fail to give me those looks , never. I race through the traffic and reach home. Best part of my day begins then. The part I look forward to all day. I get to spend a good 4 hours with my baby and I love it all.

It takes a lot of inner strength to go through each day and each day is different from the one before. The courage and strength I display gets shattered by things like some neighbour telling me my daughter misses me during the afternoons and cries or I hear my daughter cry over the phone or I feel the maid is not feeding my daughter the way I want her to or if she is letting my daughter watch more tv. Some days are just perfect, and some days are full of self doubts.

I am not sure if after reading all this, you are wondering why I am doing all this if I am not happy about doing it. Fact is I am happy that I am working now, it brings me back my identity, makes me feel a little worthwhile using my brains, energizes me, and I love working and make some money. So no regrets there. There is another good thing to all this, I now value the time I get to spend with my daughter, its precious and pure . Nothing else comes before that. I never really valued the time when I was not working, cause I was not happy within. I was in quest for something else.

I love you Akshara, you are a wonderful daughter. Thank you so much! I cannot ask for anything more. You made the whole thing look so much more easier and smoother by not crying, and accepting the change. I love you, truly madly deeply..