Why is it so difficult to accept change? My heart's racing.. Mind slogging..  pacing towards the unknown. Too much uncertainty..  too many life changing factors.. Not even sure if I can endure them all with a smile.

Praying for strength,  courage,  love and patience.. 

Hugs are healing

What Munna bhai told in his movies is true.. jhappi sure has some jaadu in it.

These days, my stress levels are high. Am not sure exactly what's causing it, but its getting tougher. I snap at the smallest things. I am not liking what am transforming to, but I have little control over it. My energy levels are at all time low and there is no concession in the things to do, in fact they've only increased.

My stress buster? A big tight hug from my dd. My racing heart slows down, my mind gets calmer. The hug sure has a calming effect on me. Works like magic. I treasure when she keeps saying ILU and that am the only one in the whole universe she wants :) :). Though she immediately goes on to think about planets in the solar system, that fleeting moment takes me up on to clouds.

It ain't going to get any easier, but am determined to find ways to keep my sanity! Amen

In pursuit of peace

This ones in an attempt to bring out the growing disgust n restlessness within me and to stay in peace.


Am glad that there are certain things in this world which are beyond man's capacity to interfere. and at some point everyone succumbs to think, it was destiny and something's are destined to happen the way they do. Man has no choice but to accept and move on. The only choice he got is how sooner he can accept it and how happy he can be with it.

One thing which am glad, works in a pristine way with zero control of man over it, is the way gender of the baby is decided within the womb.

I keep hearing this atleast twice a day from different people I talk to .. "Are you wishing it's a boy this time?", "I wish you have a boy".. "You are curious who it is coz it was a girl the first time". Am sick and tired of telling people , "am only wishing for a healthy child" which is what it is and I kind of get their undergoing smirk, "yeah we know we know. "

Really? Do you know? Do you really know what really makes or breaks your life? It's the health of the child, the way baby forms as a whole and gender is just one part of whole. God forbid, one physical disability in the child and you end up in dumps. The gender then doesn't even matter. No one cares. Am surprised when people around tag the miracle that's happening inside to such insignificant things.  Grow up people, really.

I have seen my close friend experiencing and facing life, with a child who is blind by birth. It's a genetic defect and currently the cure is still in research. Our heart goes out to the child and the child's mom is our inspiration, for her sheer determination and positivity. There is not a single day, when we don't pray for the child. There are several other kids with disabilities around, but since we have seen this child from birth till now in close quarters, we feel the parents pain.

It's a miracle, a child from an atom to baby to birth. Mother plays a pivotal role and feels the miracle happening inside. Every jerk, every bump, every movement causes a fear within, hope my baby is safe. There is this constant thought process going on within the would be mom, is my baby growing fine enough, what else can I do to have a healthy baby. It is stressful. To be creating something within you, and the struggle to create it perfectly.

I have chosen to ignore, to not to react, to the gender based comments but it is getting increasingly tough to do that on a daily basis. I have to let it out. It's especially difficult when it comes from the first circle of family. It also makes me painfully aware of the fact that me being the second girl child in the family, wasn't welcomed (if not warmly). I have lived with that failure of expectations all my life through my pet name. My sister who is 1.4 years elder to me, who might have just started to talk when I was born, christened me with my pet name. She at that tender age was convinced that she had a baby brother and not a sister coz that probably what she was told all the while my mom was pregnant with me. I suddenly started hating my name.

All this is only making me resolve even strongly, that am not going to let anyone ruin my moment after my second child's birth. I'm sure there will be people around me who will be utterly disappointed if it's a girl baby, and delighted if its a boy, but I will not let that affect me. I will not let others poor judgement of happiness wash away my joy. Not now, certainly not then.

Am I feeling better? Yes, the baby kicked too :)

Doing great :)

The other day I received a call from my ex-colleague, a guy whom I had led and mentored. He called me to give a good news and we reciprocated the wishes. He went on to tell me , how they are managing and how he has to now cope up with lot of other things.

He then asked me how I was doing and I casually replied , I am doing great. His response to that left me a little surprised. He said " Meeru mentally strong kabatti ala antaru.. I know how it is! "

That felt nice :) It's not often that guys acknowledge the fact that women are mentally strong and endure . and its definitely not often that a guy reads so much in to a casual reply and attributes it perfectly :)

There are days when am completely down,
and I can't find the path forward.
Those were the days when you held my hand, 
Showed me my worth. 

You held me tight, loved me, kissed me,
made me felt much needed.

You inspire me, you motivate me to do better in ways even you would not know,
Every moment I spend away from you, I want it to be well worth. 

You made me laugh, you let me cry,
you are my light in the dark!

It's a privilege to be your mommy :)

Love always,

Mommy

It's learning time :)

1) Why can't I watch more hours of TV, mamma?
     Coz there are only 24 hours in a day and you cannot waste more time watching tv
     Why are there only 24 hours in a day, mamma?

Spend the next half an hour trying to explain a 4 year old how earth rotates around it self, then around the sun, and why we don't fall down inspite of all the rotations.

2) What is this mamma?
This is a baby Papaya
Why is it green in colour, mamma?
Because its small now, as it grows big and ripens, it will become orange.
Mango also changes colour no mamma.. Will I also change colour when I grow big ?

3) What is water made of mamma?
Hydrogen and oxygen baby
No mamma, you are wrong, its made of liquid :)

4) What is our skin made of mamma?
What is there under it?
Is skin like elastic?


5) Why does the cat always meow? Why can't it talk like us?

The questions keep coming day in and day out. I can never be prepared enough. Sometimes, the information I give her leads to more questions !
She has succeeded in making me feel so dumb..what was I doing all my life not already knowing the answers to the questions she is asking. Why wasn't I ever so curious? Why did I never question the facts I was made to learn? How did our parents know the answers to the few questions we asked them without GOOGLE? How did they survive without access to the information?

 I am so glad we have access to every bit of information and it's never too late to learn and tell the baby who wants to learn too!

Love of my Life

My first love at first sight,
My heart races the moment I see you,
My childhood crush!

I can never ever say No to you
I could fight with my family for you
I just cannot keep my hands off you
I go weak in my knees the moment I see you.. You are the love of my life

We also share our initials dear, G.J

Welcome the break!

One of my cousin who passed out of engineering in 2013, was waiting for her offer letter from the company who selected her during the campus recruitment.

It was only after a wait of 8 months that she heard from the company HR and got the joining date for March. Which is a good 11 month wait since she passed out of engineering. In these 11 months , she did something that made me jealous of her. While rest of her friends got busy, coaching for CAT/GRE/GATE/TOEFL and some even went out of city to get trained in some computer courses, she took it easy. She decided to take a break, have fun while it lasts and more importantly spend time with family. She never once succumbed to the pressure of people asking her, what she was doing or rather why she wasn't doing anything till she joined the company or even worse, if she did have any future plans at all! She was clear about what she wanted to do, and had never once given a damn to people continuously poking her.
<< people get increasingly curious when they find someone not following the routine they expect>>

Here was her plan : She learnt driving the car, went on early morning jogs, did Yoga, cooked lunch while her mom was away at work, went to library with her dad, watched movies, spent time with (available) friends, invested time in self grooming and rested ample. A total therapeutic , most welcome break. Come to think of it,  she will never ever again get such break in her life .When she joins the job, there will be leave hassles and when she gets married, moves to a different city and her life will totally change.

Me on the other hand, had the opportunity to do the same, but I didn't..my biggest regret ! I went against my dad's wishes and enrolled for GATE coaching in a different city, joined a company thereafter and never got to spend any bulk quality time with family after that. My dad wanted me to join MTech in a university in Vizag, but I thought he was being silly as that would have no value add. Little did I realize, I was going to lose 2 precious years of being at home which was exactly what dad wanted! He gave in to my demands and let me go.

Even now, when I visit home, the parting is always difficult. I keep wishing for some more days to spend at home. Even a couple of hours delay in the train departure is most welcome. Talking to mom over phone can never ever be the same as being there with her , living with her. Dad is not someone who talks much over phone, so there's not even that! I miss being pampered, being fed, getting scolded, asking permissions, begging pocket money, festival shopping, sharing college gossip with mom, late night studies along with mom.

There are always tears when I board the train at Vizag... but thank you lord for giving me a home away from home which is equally beautiful, the joys are different, my role is different. While am still the kid there at Vizag, am this grown-up here in Bangalore.

Make my day, Please. Thank you!

On an average, the list of activities that you do each day doesn't vary much. But still some days you feel awesome and some days are so so bad. And sometimes those small little things that others say to you make a world of difference to your day.

Unfortunately, I observe a rise in the level of insensitivity in people towards others. Speaking your mind sounds good where it is required, but a little consideration towards the other person will never hurt.
I can only speak from my personal experience.

One such incident:

I had gone to a brand new branch of a reknowned salon that was opened near our place. Every service there costs a bomb, but sometimes you just gotto give in to the temptation. :)
While I was expecting a good service and wanted to come out with a dhin chak haircut , little did I know what was in store for me.

So this lady with little eyes and deft hands attended me, and politely asked me what I was looking for. So far, so good.

Then she started running her deft hands through my hair, and said this. "You have hair fall.. " I tried to smile back and say, "yeah". Then she doesn't stop there and says, "you have grey hair". "I know" , I retorted hoping she would get the hint that am not liking it. But No! Much to my irritation, she went on. Your hair is dry, your hair is blah, bla bla .. blah bla bla .. duh!
Just at the time when I was ready to give it back to her, she says, we have products which would be good for you.. and goes on.

Lady, if you just wanted to sell your products to me, all you had to do was just show them, convince me by applying those and showing me the difference they can possibly make to my hair. You got your basics in sales and wrong and this certainly is not the right way to sell your products. You just upset me no end, and lost a possible long term customer for salon services too!

Just yesterday, one of my super sweet colleague of mine says," the dress that you are wearing, whose choice was it? It's so bright, I don't like it. " So? I mean really, do you think I should dress to your taste? If you don't like it, you don't like it. That's all to it. What is the need for me to know that you don't like it? Seriously..

What does it take to be courteous? What does it take to give it a thought before saying anything negative to the other person? If you don't like something about them, don't say it on their face, as long as its superficial and will not make much difference to them. If you really have a life changing free advice for them, word your advice carefully. At the same time, if you like something, go ahead and compliment. Don't be stingy there. You could really make someone's day.

Be Sensitive.  Be polite. Be good.

2014 - Resolution

For years , I have been having a common set of resolutions year after year with one or two new additions.
Has it helped? Yes, it has.

I no longer need to have "exercise daily" as a resolution as now it has become a compulsive habit. I know I will do it no matter what!! .

"Eating healthy/Dieting" - I now know, no matter what, resolve or not, I will eat :) Nothing can stop me from grabbing that gulab jamun sitting pretty in front of me. So, no point in that resolution.

"Lose weight": C'mon.. who am I kidding? That's not happening, so I have grown to a point to taking pride in what I am and you know what, am happy now :)

So now that those heavy weights have gone off my list, what am I left with? Here goes the story behind my this year's resolution:

I had visited the Amritsar golden temple ,a Gurudwara where they had given the melt in mouth prasad, wheat flour halwa about 15 years ago. But the taste has stuck with me all these years and have never got an opportunity to go to a Gurudwara again or have the prasad.

So, during my recent trip to Vizag, I couldn't resist the temptation of visiting a Gurudwara very close to my place. I had no idea how to pray there,nor the name of the God.. absolutely nothing. I went in there, awkwardly sat there and chanted totally unrelated 2/3 shlokas I knew. There was one babaji who was praying and had not even bothered about my existence there. I found the Prasad dabba there, and I assumed I could just go and take as much as I wanted. (conveniently so!) I took a handful of prasad and with shameless glee , devoured it and was happily walking out having the mission accomplished. (It was real Yum. ) Then from nowhere , someone called out to me and asked me to have langar.
I couldn't say No and I went to the langar hall and sat down. I took one roti, very lil rice, dal and sabzi.
I started feeling guilty and awkward. I wasn't prepared for this, I came with a very selfish motive of only having the prasad , not for praying and here I was sitting and eating Langar which could've easily been a poor man's lunch.
I tried to finish as much as I could but there was still some food left in the plate which was beyond me. I was uncertain if I could to give the plate to someone for washing or I was supposed to wash it on my own. I took the plate and walked towards the wash area where another elderly person took my plate and admonished me for wasting the food. He said " Yeh langar hai , langar. Nahin khana tha tho nahin lena tha"

I never felt so bad before for wasting food. I was there for all wrong reasons, I wasted precious food and I stood there not even able to see eye to eye to the elderly person. I felt really small.

I will never, never ever waste food again. I will serve food to atleast one poor and needy person each month this year and years to come.